Looking back at old posts on my blog or pictures on Instagram hurts. It feels like I am looking and reading about someone elses life. A life of a strong and hard-working girl, a life of someone I would love to be.
Never have I ever felt so far away from the person that I am as I am doing right now. I feel like I lost so many beautiful things about myself and looking back at how I used to be hurts so much. I am such a sensitive and intuitive person and with everything I do I feel things. Every smell, every experience every part of my life gives me a certain feeling. But since the last few months I don’t feel anymore. I don’t feel the energy that nature gives me, I don’t feel the atmosphere of summer or fall, I don’t feel motivated or excited anymore.
When I read my old blog posts I remember how I felt, I felt beautiful in my own skin, I enjoyed all the little things, I could look at nature for hours and feel connected to the universe, I would get super excited about trying new recipes, living a healthy lifestyle and discovering who I wanted to be as a person. I want that life back so badly, but I just can’t get myself to be her anymore because I can’t seem to feel the feeling of excitement and motivation.
Deep inside me there is the real me, wanting to become the best version of myself, wanting to start new projects and live the healthy life that I used to. But when it comes to making decisions, there is this voice in my head who just wants to take it the easy way and doesn’t care about it. That voice is the opposite of who I really am and it has changed me into a very different person. It always tries to make me think that he is right, that I am the one who wants to be lazy.
Looking back at old posts on my blog just make me want to cry. I was so motivated, hardworking, excited, intuitive, productive and such a beautiful soul. However, now I feel like I don’t even come close to that.
Don’t get me wrong, the last few years I did grow in some parts of my life too. I took risks, got more social, started acting classes and ballet, which I am very grateful for. But when I look at me as a person I feel like a completely different person. I rely so much on how things feel, on that sparkle inside me, but when there is no feeling I feel empty.
I think that all I can do at this moment is to push myself to do things that I know I want to get done, things that used to give me an amazing feeling. Maybe I don’t get a feeling right away and it is going to be really hard to say: ‘No voice I am not going to listen to your bullshit!’ I am going to make something out of my life because I deserve to feel good!’, but in the end that is the only way to find ME again. To get back to who I really am.
I haven’t written a lot on this blog in the last few months or even the last year, mainly because I didn’t feel like I was writing about me. I don’t feel like I had anything to share that excited me, like it used to do. I loved writing on my blog, I loved creating recipes, a DIY, sharing stories and taking pictures, but I haven’t even picked up my camera in a very long time. If I wanted to take a photo of myself for on the blog, I just didn’t see ME, I felt different and posting that didn’t feel right. What I loved most about blogging was sharing beautiful moments, experiences and things I discovered. However when I look back at the last blog posts I posted they all are pretty negative, which is so not who I want to be and what I want my blog to be all about. ‘So bye bye negativity, hello positivity!’ I might have to dig a little deeper, but I know that positivity is inside me.
In this blog post I added some pictures that remind me of the time that I felt so excited about life and all the little things it has to offer. I never truly understood the saying: ‘Be your own inspiration.’ , but I definitely get that now. Scrolling through my blog hurts in a way, but it is also my biggest inspiration to work hard to get back to feeling alive.