Lately I have realised that over the years, I lost a lot of parts that belong to me. Due to stress, anxiety and negative thoughts in my head, I started to shape myself into a different person.
When I look back at me at the age of 12 and I compare it to me right now I feel like a completely different person. Don’t get me wrong there are things that changed for the better (An example is being a lot more aware of my impact on the world) However, there are so many beautiful parts about that girl at age 12 that have just faded away. I was so much more enthusiastic, positive and caring. But the thing that I miss most about that little girl is my creativity. When I was 12 I believed everything was possible, I had the wildest ideas and did everything to make those ideas come to life. I wasn’t worrying about useless things, I was living, creating and being ME!
Last week I had a realisation which honestly shocked me.
When I was younger I used to be a big Lady Gaga fan. Not only because I loved her music but more because she was such an inspiration to me. I understand that a lot of people see Lady Gaga as this ‘crazy’ person and don’t really know who she truly is. But let me tell you, her personality is so beautiful and a lot of people could learn from her. The way that she thinks and acts on things where so inspiring to me and always helped me to stay true to myself. She is a huge advocate for being yourself, being creative and living a life that makes you happy. On days that I felt a little down, I would hear one of her speeches about embracing who you are and it would keep me motivated to stay on the right track. All my life I had symptoms of depression, so it is very easy for me to get wrapped up into negative thoughts. So adding inspiring and motivating things into my life are very important for me to keep on track. When I was 12, I was always creating, dreaming and living my life. I was excited about things and I had never enough time in a day to do the things I wanted to do.
But after those years I started to take another path, I thought that shaping myself into a more ‘normal’ person would make me happier, but it never did. Please never think that there is such a thing as normal, please be true to who you are, you will regret every single moment of trying to be normal. It made me into an unenthusiastic, grumpy person, who lost so much of her creativity. I don’t even want to think about all the creative projects that I would have started if I stayed myself! I started to waste my time thinking and worrying and at the end of the day I was happy to go to bed and not have to think or feel anything. There were a lot of inspiring people in my life, but I feel like my negative thoughts were too strong to be fully happy. Those inspiring people did made me feel good at moments, but I would always fall back.
So a few days ago Lady Gaga came back after 3 years with a new song. I started to listen to her songs again and I started to feel the feeling that I had when I was 12. I remembered myself dancing in front of the computer, being creative and being me! That moment made me very emotional, for the first time in years I realised that I changed so much and lost so much of ME!
I am grateful for that moment, I am ready to change my thoughts, behavior and start getting back the parts that have always belonged to me, parts that always were inside me and that are ready to shine again!
It will take a lot of effort. I have become a lot more anxious and shy, so it won’t be easy to be that girl again. I am going to take step by step to get where I want to be. I want to be more mindful of my thoughts and actions and ask myself more often if what I am doing is really me and if it is going to make me happy. I want to combine the positive things about that 12-year-old me, with the positive things that I learned over the years. For in the future I want to keep adding positive things in my life, to create a happier me!